Beanie Babies

I suppose it's time that we tackle the behemoth, the biggest toy in the history of toys. The one toy that defined my generation, and has had numerous documentaries made about it. The toy that bankrupted entire families, that ignited a craze so unbelievable that people lost their life savings just to have them. I'm talking of course about Beanie Babies. Beanie Babies hit when I was just the right age, and, like everyone else, I got into collecting them. The thing is though, as much as I could talk about my personal experience with the toy, I'd rather talk about why they succeeded, and I have a pretty good theory for it too. It was because they represented nothing. They came with no instructions, they came with no playsets, they came with nothing but the tag on their body with a birthday, name and a poem that represented them. Therefore, anyone could attach any meaning and any use to this toy, and that level of personalization is what helped them succeed.

Created by American businessman Ty Warner, who founded namesake company Ty Inc in 1986, the toy in question wasn't actually introduced to the market until 1993 and are often considered the worlds first internet sensation of 1995. The unique stuffing - using plastic pellets rather than conventional stuffing - mixed with the animal designs really set a precedent for something cute and recognizable, but I'm here to tell you that unfortunately, as much as others might like you to believe it, Beanie Babies are not collectible and will not make you rich.

There's been far too many things, specifically from when I grew up, that many of us considered a retirement investment. Pokemon cards, Beanie Babies and Black Diamond Disney VHS among them, and in the end, none of them are actually worth all that much, even to hardcore collectors. Here's the rub. When something is mass produced, it doesn't really retain value. Certainly Beanie Babies had unique qualifications that made them somewhat more collectible; for one thing, several times a year certain ones would simply be rotated out and ceased in production, meaning they were retired and therefore harder to attain. That definitely boosts the worth of the collectible, I admit. The fact that they were initially sold only at individually owned small gift and specialty shops also meant you had to know where to go to get them. This also definitely helps accredit the claim that they're worth something. But once something hits mass market appeal, where the public demands easy access...once something is so ubiquitous in the culture that it's sold at stores like Toys-R-Us and Hallmark, that argument goes right out the door.

I will not deny that there's a level of collectors out there who will participate in the collectible market for the toy, but it's nowhere near as high as you've been led to believe. Nobody has made millions off selling their own collections or investing in them, and if anything, more often than not, the opposite has happened. That's a whole other thing though, and writers far more talented than myself in the economics world have already done a great job debunking the bullshittery that is the Beanie Baby collectible market.

So let's get back to my theory about their popularity, which is cuteness mixed with accessibility mixed with herd thought mixed with personalization. The toys are cute, there's no denying it. They embody cuteness as a concept. People like animals, kids love animals, and these are animal themed. Combine that with the FOMO of society, and everyone wanting - no, craving - to be a part of something when it reaches mass consumption levels of popularity, and how easy they were to attain after a bit, and suddenly you're left with a cute toy that everyone can have and play with, and how do you play with them? Perhaps this is the most ingenious part of all....however you want. Because there's no rulebook, there's no guidelines, there's no descriptors that state how they're meant to be enjoyed. I remember I played with mine like they lived in their own city and had personal lives and conflict with one another and families. Other kids sent theirs on wacky adventures. It all boiled down to what you wanted to do with it, and when you have a toy that can exist on that broad range of playability, then yeah, you've won.

Funko Pops are the new Beanie Babies. Mass produced, culturally accepted, easily attained and immediately recognizable. The only difference is Funko Pops are fucking hideous, and Beanie Babies were adorable.

So that's Beanie Babies for you. An adorable yet worthless to the consumer collectible. Ty Warner, a billionaire thanks to the creation (and also owner of the Four Seasons hotel) has actually made it a habit to give away millions of dollars to decent charities and those in need, helping Ukraine, Autism charities and even Covid relief funds. The guy is really an example of a decent billionaire if I've ever seen one, so if nothing else, perhaps our investment in his creation wasn't all for naught. It did go to a worthy cause, in that it's helping make the world itself a better place, since he's pumping that money right back into us. Beanie Babies might have been a fad, but they were one of the better ones.

Just don't hold out hope that a bean stuffed inchworm is going to be your retirement plan.