Simon

I'm fairly certain everyone my age had a Simon toy growing up.

It was just one of those things you kinda had, even if you don't know how you got it? And nobody ever had a newer one, we all had the same sort of clunky original ones, likely because our parents had them and we just inherited them. Simon's a lot older than you'd think, honestly. Despite being somewhat advanced for its time, Simon actually hails from the long since gone era of 1978, when the internet for the public was nothing more than a fever dream and people still used olive colored landlines to speak to their friends states away. If there was ever a sort of "eternal gods" of toys, Simon would be one of those, because that's what it feels like. Ageless. Like it's been here forever, since the dawn of time. Even if it isn't as old as other toys that you'd think would be on that list, it just has that feeling of oldness. But it's true, Simon's been around since 1978, and was invented by Ralph H. Baer and Howard J. Morrison while working for Marvin Glass & Associates, with its software programming being done by Lenny Cope.

It's an extremely simple concept that I'm guaranteed most of you know already but just in case you're somehow an uninformed ignoramus, I'll give you a brief summation of how Simon works. Toy go beep. You mimic toy beep. Toy beep again. You mimic second beep. Toy make multiple, sequenced beeps. You mimic multiple sequenced beeps. You play with Simon for all eternity, beeping into the void of eternal multicolored nothingness. Yeah, it's Simon, you know how it works. Shit, all I would have to do is show this toy to someone and they'd instantly know, it's innate, like breathing. We come into this world knowing how to do three things; breath, poop ourselves and play Simon. It's that understandable, it's so understandable even babies can understand it, and that's impressive, cause babies are dumb, yo.

Much of the toys computer code was written by a man named Charles Kapps, who taught computer science at Temple University and also wrote one of the first books on the theory of computer programming, making him somewhat ahead of his time, really. A visionary, if you will. Simon was launched officially at Studio fucking 54 in New York City, which might be the single classiest toy launch of all time, which would make sense considering how goddamned high end Simon was in its heyday. But one really interesting thing of note is its comparison to a former toy that was essentially the same concept, and almost same design, which was Atari's "Touch Me", which, if we're being frank, is a creepy name for a toy.

The designers of Simon were introduced to Touch Me at the Music Operators of America trade show in 76 (god, this just keeps gettin' classier by the second, doesn't it?), and while they found it intriguing, they also found it horrible. They disliked the sounds, the overall execution, and decided that they apparently could do one better. So they set to work on creating Simon, originally titled "Follow Me", just in case their blatant ripoff wasn't blatant enough to begin with. Now, in their defense, Touch Me was originally an arcade title, and the handheld version was only created after Atari saw Simon's booming popularity and realized they might have missed an opportunity for success with a concept they themselves had originated, but the damage was done, and Simon was the clear winner. Hell, even just comparing the toy visually side by side you can tell that Simon is the cooler looking and sleeker designed of the two, while Touch Me looks like an old Texas Instruments Calculator.

As with any toy that's had longevity, Simon has had a myriad of spin offs and alternate versions, but they're all essentially the same toy, just with variations on the concept itself. A fun fact though is how, apparently, all of Simon's tones were designed to always be harmonic, no matter the sequence, and consisted of an A Major triad in second inversion resembling a trumpet fanfare. In fact, Baer himself developed the tones, which he says were inspired by the notes of a bugle. Simon debuted at 25 retail dollars, which updated for inflation is the equivalent of 100 dollars in 2019. Kinda steep, but it was pretty advanced, so. It went on to become one of the top selling toys that Christmas season.

And Atari wasn't the only one to try and weasel back in on the market. Once the toy industry as a whole saw how well Simon did, they too - as they tend to do - attempted to follow the trends and get in on a piece of the action by shelling out knock off after knock off, none of which really succeeded.

FUN FACT: While Simon has, obviously, had a number of references across its lifespan throughout pop culture, my personal favorite has to be via 2014's "Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones" wherein a Simon toy is possessed by a demon and subsequently works as a mock Ouija Board. What a wonderful little tidbit about a truly terrible franchise, and what a fun loving demon! And, since this is about a toy, this really is a fun fact!

In a rather shocking and upsetting turn of events, however, I was dismayed to find out that Simon somehow has yet to be inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame! Surprising, isn't it? Especially considering its legacy, its popularity across the culture, its multiples upon multiples of references in film and television, it's somewhat startling to learn that Simon hasn't found its way in yet. Here's to hoping that some year soon they see this overlooked opportunity and give Simon the recognition they truly deserve!

Simon was not only unique for its time, but it was likely the very first truly handheld digital toy that only led to further development of such things like Bop It and Tamagotchi's and what have you. I think the toy industry owes a lot to Simon, as it truly opened up the door for numerous possibilities of what could be done with new burgeoning technology. Simon has existed since the beginning of my toy loving days as a little one, and if you're my age likely yours as well, and Simon will continue to exist long after you and I have turned to dust and memories, only to go on and continue bringing multicolored harmonic delight to kids around the world.

Long live an old god.