Gator Golf

 

Gator Golf, a game which could only have been conceived of on the moors of Florida, was a game I actually owned and played the hell out of as a kid.

I can only imagine this game came to be because an affluent old golfer man was playing the course one bright muggy day and witnessed an alligator on the green. He then snapped his fingers and thought, "This...this is a million dollar idea", so he then called up his buddy in the toy industry and pitched him the concept: Gator Golf. And his friend, being a fucking idiot, assumed he meant a gator who plays golf, and then pitched that instead to Milton Bradley, who subsequently not only fired him but also forced his wife to divorce him. Afterwards, soaked in alcohol, drowning his sorrows in a bar, it suddenly dawned on him what his golf buddy in Florida had actually meant. He drunkenly tried to walk to a payphone, but instead, stumbled into a local zoo and then climbed into the alligator pit to fist fight them for he blamed them for his life falling apart. He was promptly eaten.

That's the story I like to think anyway. I'm sure the actual origins are nowhere near as entertaining. Originally released in 1994 by Milton Bradley and created by Robert B. Fuhrer, a man with an extremely unfortunate last name, who also created the game Crocodile Dentist. Clearly this man has an obsession. He submitted his idea for the game, then titled "Crocodile Dentist Golf", which, I mean, 9/10 dentists agree that the best thing you can do for your teeth is chew on fucking golf balls, to the company in 1992 and Milton Bradley in turn asked him to use a different animal. His suggestions were either a Beaver or a Dragon. Now, I don't know what kind of scale Milton Bradley was using when it came to animal suggestions, but there's a biiiiiig difference between a Beaver and a Dragon. The two aren't even in the same class. Nevertheless, the crocodile stayed intact and the game went on the become one of the most popular toys of the 94 Christmas season.

I think the only reason I wound up with one was because my grandfather played Golf, and thought this would surely be a way to get me interested in the sport, so that maybe he and I could eventually go golfing together. If anything, it only made me want to beat Alligators to death with a golf club. I kid, I kid, I wouldn't harm any animal, but it was a sort of obtuse concept, wasn't it? I wonder what other sports could be enhanced by the addition of an animal to them. I'm not a sports fan to begin with, but I can tell you that if Golf actually had Alligators in it, I'd probably watch that. Maybe we can add Bobcats to Football or something. If you don't reach the goal fast enough, they fucking eat you. I'd watch that too.

The Gator has gone through some redesigns in his time here on this earth. One saw the removal of the rotation mechanism, probably to cheapen costs for production, and another saw his color change from green to orange, which was promptly changed back. Why they decided to do this in the first place remains a mystery. You ever seen a fucking orange Alligator? Yeah, me neither.

His current design has tiny birds on his back to keep score, which is a pretty cute addition, not gonna lie. Still, I miss the clunky ol' Gator of yore, and wish I still had mine. The vintage ones on eBay seem to go for quite a bit, understandably, so I likely won't ever obtain one again. I also don't remember if the original putters included were designed after Flamingos, as the new ones seem to be, but I'm all for that. That's a cool design scheme, especially keeping with the whole Florida theming. Upon a quick search, I can actually now say for fact that the original putters were just that. Putters. No cool bird design. Overall, aside from the goofy ass orange coloring at one point, I think Gator Golf has gotten off pretty fairly when it comes to redesigns. I mean, how many ways can you fuck up a Gator?

It should also be noted that, while I don't like sports and especially find golf absolutely mind numbing, I DO like mini golf, which probably is due in part to having played this as a child. I actually think Milton Bradley should release other golf games like this, with different toys in place of the Gator, so that you can buy all of them and set up your own personal at home mini golf course. That would be cool. Expensive, I'm sure, but cool nonetheless. Either way, I really wanted to talk about this toy this time because it was a personal favorite of mine growing up and it's got a lot of good memories attached to it. Plus, it's still available, which is neat. I saw one at Walmart today for 20 bucks. Maybe sometime down the road I'll fork out the cash just to relive some childhood memories now and then.

Gator Golf is one of the few good memories I have of childhood as it is, so why not.

I will always wonder though what the original idea behind Crocodile Dentist Golf was. Was it that you're an extremely sadistic dentist who only is willing to extract teeth from Crocodiles (and possibly other poor defenseless animals) by smacking them in the mouth with golf balls at an extremely fast speed? If so, that's sick. And I love it. Robert's got a screw less.

So go out and buy Gator Golf for your kids today and teach them that no matter what else, animals are only as good as they are exploitable. That's not true. Don't believe that. I'm just trying to be witty. Please don't beat an Alligator with a golf club, because you WILL die and you WILL deserve it.